Coping with Anxious Attachment in Romantic Relationships: Part 2

By Crystal Chen, PhD

In Part I of this installment on anxious attachment, we uncovered how attachment anxiety is an ‘alarm system’ that helps keep us connected with others, and how people with this attachment orientation tend to cope with feelings of insecurity by seeking closeness. We talked about the importance of choosing relationship partners who are open and responsive to supporting our attachment system, which can give us opportunities to experience and take in what secure love actually feels like.

For those of us who are used to relationship unpredictability and abandonment, we need predictability, consistency, and repetition to help ground our nervous systems and help create a new narrative for ourselves.

At the same time, it is not our partner’s job to regulate our emotions. It’s also personally disempowering to wait for them to soothe us. When we can respond effectively to our own ups and downs in relationships, we’re able to love with so much more confidence, strength, and choice.

Read on for more tips tailored for people who are in intimate relationship(s) and wanting to do inner work.

Tip 1: Learn what your attachment anxiety looks and feels like.

The first and most important step you can take is to recognize in real time when your attachment anxiety is being activated.

Think about the last time your relationship anxiety kicked in. Pause, slow down, grab a journal, and try and remember without judgment what happened internally for you. Try asking yourself the following.

When the anxiety kicked in about our relationship - what else did I feel or notice? (I was restless, overwhelmed, foggy, irritable, panicked)

What thoughts and fears popped up? (What if they’re pulling away? Why haven’t they texted back? What if they’re cheating on me?)

When I’m feeling and thinking these things, what do I end up doing or feel compelled to do? (Check their social media, send multiple messages, replay recent conversations, shut down, tell myself that I’m being too much)

What situations typically trigger this feeling for me? (Not seeing or hearing from them for some time, not getting the exact reassurance you wanted, seeing them have fun without you, etc.)

By marking the moment when our attachment threat detector has gone off, we create a window of opportunity, where we can respond to ourselves with greater intention, compassion, and regulation. If we know what upcoming situations are likely to be hard for ourselves (e.g., when your partner isn’t responding, when they’re emotionally distant, being long-distance), we can also proactively make a plan for how we’ll regulate ourselves, cope ahead, and even discuss this plan beforehand with our partners.

When you recognize your attachment system being activated, you can try gently grounding yourself with some mindful self-talk, such as:

My attachment system is being triggered right now. My mind and body are telling me that I am not safe because something doesn’t feel good. This is a biologically ingrained response because my body is trying to keep me connected and safe as I figure out what’s going on. I can slow down and remind myself that I can decide how to take care of myself and show up right now.

To help us move towards greater security, we want to learn how to meet our anxious feelings and extend compassion and care to them when they get activated. None of this can happen if we can’t first be aware that our threat detector has gone off. Mindful awareness is a necessary first step to carving new pathways forward.

Tip 2: Validate your own emotional needs.

People with anxious attachment often carry internalized shame about their needs. You may have been made to feel like you’re too much, too needy, or not reasonable in what you want from a partner. Just because you feel this way, doesn't make it true. You are not “too much.” You are a human being with valid needs for love, reassurance, and emotional connection.

Repeat as needed:

I’m not crazy for needing to feel loved and secure in that love.

I deserve to be loved and to be able to trust in that love.

My feelings may feel overwhelming to myself and others, but I’m not ‘too much.’ I can learn ways to manage these overwhelming feelings.

Shame tells us we’re wrong for our feelings and needs, and makes us turn against ourselves. To counter shame, think about being your own unwavering ally. You can do this by learning to soothe your emotions rather than shaming them, and working on openly communicating your needs in your relationship. When your attachment anxiety gets activated, pause and turn inward. Instead of reacting impulsively, try these check-ins instead.

What do I need to do to take care of myself in this moment? (If you're looking for ways to regulate intense emotions, Dr. Sanjita Ekhelikar wrote an excellent post on this.)

Is what I'm feeling potentially driven by past trauma vs. what’s truly happening right now with this person? If the former, how can I nurture myself in this moment that I’m struggling?

What’s a realistic request I can make to my relationship partner to help meet my needs, without expecting them to rescue or fix me?

Tip 3: Share your emotional needs with your partner while also building up your own ability to respond to big feelings.

Clarify what helps you feel safe and secure in your relationship. You can do this by asking yourself: What is one thing I can identify and share that helps me feel seen and valued in the relationship? For example, do I really need hourly text updates? Or, is my deeper need about consistency and emotional presence when I connect with my partner? Could I get my need met if we both agree that when we talk about our days we both put our phones down?

You could also use “planned connection” when possible. Try proactively planning for moments of connection. If you know certain situations (e.g., partner leaving for a trip) to be triggering, plan ahead of time for when you will reconnect, so you'll know when to expect it. Make sure this plan works for both of you. If your partner often copes by emotionally withdrawing, you can respect their need for space while also asking for planned connection time. 

When you’re ready, communicate your needs clearly and constructively. Don't assume that other people can read your mind. For example: “I know you’re dealing with a lot right now, and I want to respect your need for time and space because I care about you and know that’s important for you. At the same time, it helps me to know when we’ll reconnect. Can we choose a time to check in and spend some time together? It’s okay if you’re not feeling better by then, but it would mean a lot to me to have that dedicated time.”

It’s not your partner’s job to heal all your wounds or rewrite your past. However, it is their responsibility as a relationship partner to respect your needs, listen when you express them, collaborate on a solution that works for both of you, and help co-create a relationship built on mutual safety and care. On your end, it is your job to turn toward yourself, take responsibility for regulating your emotions, identify what will help you feel safer in the relationship, and clearly verbally communicate this. 

Tip 4: Strengthen your sense of self across different areas of your life.

People with anxious attachment often pour a lot of energy into their relationships and end up neglecting themselves. You might find your sense of self completely dependent on how your relationship is going––feeling great when it's going well, but completely destabilized when it isn't.

Imagine that your life is an architectural structure built upon pillars. Each pillar represents an important part of you: your relationship, friendships/family, community affiliations, work, sense of purpose, creativity/play, etc. If there is insecurity in one pillar, the others will help keep the structure sturdy. But if you’ve devoted your entire life to just one or two pillars, any shift or crack will feel like your world is about to collapse.

If you’re autistic, ADHD, or AuDHD, your brain might also be naturally prone to putting all your energy into a select few things, such as your relationship. If you experience emotions really intensely and have a tendency to hyperfocus on your interests, it becomes really natural to put all your eggs in the relationship basket of your life and drop the other baskets. If you find this to be the case, make sure you have at least 1 or 2 other things you’re excited or passionate about that you continue to engage with.

A felt sense of internal stability involves distributing your resources to build up multiple pillars across your life. Pour your energy into friendships that nourish you. Get involved in communities that share your interests. Dive into old or new hobbies. Build mastery in a new skill you always wanted to learn. 

Building up your different life pillars isn’t about not needing love. It’s about building a full life that can hold you, because you are not your relationship. Security in relationships is based upon interdependence, when people choose to share their lives and rely on each other––without losing themselves in each other. This is different from fusion. In relationships that are completely fused, it's hard to know where your emotions and needs end and where your partner's begin.

While this might feel good in the short-term, it can feel hard to grow independent of the relationship and you might find yourself experiencing resentment or even wanting to break free in the long term.

So, practice making decisions on your own, spending time solo, and nurturing your own identity. You can love deeply and still take up space in your own life. In fact, the love you offer may be more sustainable and come from a fuller source if you do so.

Tip 5: Intentionally notice when you do feel safe and connected.

Regardless of our history, we have all felt safe and connected at some point in time. It may have been with a pet, a friend, a teacher/mentor, or an extended family member. Perhaps you felt safe and cared for within a specific community, church, or even someone on social media (I've felt this way with "Your Korean Dad"!). With anxious attachment, we often give a lot of attention to the times we’ve been hurt, but not enough attention to the moments or times when things have been and can be good.

In a moment when you feel relatively calm, reflect on a time when you felt connected, cared for, and at peace. It could have been with another person, an animal, or even a character from a book or TV show. Moments like this, no matter how small, are a powerful somatic reference point that can help build a greater sense of internal security. Drop everything in this moment, and take a minute to remember or imagine how it feels to be close, connected, and safe. Allow that feeling sink in. For a guided audio version of this exercise: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8XKURF5xJWs

It’s so important to slow down and notice what connected and enjoyable moments feel like in our bodies. This helps reinforce our “secure attachment” neural pathways. Attachment work isn’t just about trying to get away from the bad thing you want less of––it’s also about growing and letting what want you more of to sink in on an emotional and physical level.  It's easy to think that the solution lies in your partner (“If only they could help me feel okay”), and forget that you can develop your internal bank of security. No matter your past, you are capable of building greater security.

Therapy for anxious attachment

If this blog series resonated for you and you’re interested in learning more or practicing some of these tips with professional support - consider reaching out about therapy. Or if you’re struggling or feeling stuck in old patterns - know that you don’t have to figure it out all on your own. Therapy is a wonderful place to experience consistent, compassionate, and knowledgeable help from someone who cares about your wellbeing and thriving in relationships. Consider working with a therapist at Manhattan Therapy Collective who can help you make the changes you’re interested in so your relationship can feel more deeply connected and fulfilling. If you’re interested in learning more, you can reach out today.

About the Author: Dr. Crystal Chen is a postdoctoral fellow at Manhattan Therapy Collective, and she enjoys working with people wanting to heal from relational trauma to help them cultivate present-day relationships where they can love more freely, openly, and from a place of abundance rather than fear.