Matrescence Part 3 - Six Reasons Why You Should Focus on Your Matrescence (and Not Just Your Baby) during Pregnancy
By Peggy Loo, PhD
In Parts 1 and 2, I introduced the idea of matrescence, or maternal identity development, as a key process that can often go neglected during pregnancy - as well as what can make this new identity hard to grapple with. In this last part of the blog series, I summarize six benefits to focusing on matrescence during pregnancy. I hope this can be an invitation for expecting women (and the support people in their lives who want to help) to nurture curiosity, intention, and care for their present and future selves. As a psychologist specializing in perinatal mental health - I do believe it makes a tremendous difference in the overall wellbeing of birthing people during pregnancy, postpartum, and subsequent seasons of parenting.
For Part 3, I summarize six reasons why you should focus on your matrescence during pregnancy.
Six reasons why focusing on matrescence (and not just babies) is better for everyone
Reason #1. Making space for matrescence early on is great practice for centering the inner experiences and needs of mothers.
As I mentioned in Part 1 - pregnancy is often a time that’s heavily baby or body-focused, and it’s too easy for who you are and your identity to get lost or deprioritized. You are simultaneously growing a tiny human and growing a new part of yourself. Centering how pregnant people feel about becoming moms creates a healthy practice and precedent that your identity development and sense of self matters just as much as your baby’s. The fourth trimester or postpartum period is not exactly known for large amounts of free time or energy to self-reflect on your identity or have full-length honest conversations with others - which is why pregnancy can be a unique time to focus on your matrescence and connect with others about it.
Reason #2. Taking steps forward on your matrescence journey can support the development of a healthy parent-child relationship.
I think most people would agree that it’s harder to start a new relationship with someone (even with a tiny human you shared your body with) if you don’t know have any sense of who you are or want to be. You’ve likely experienced in platonic, family, or romantic relationships - that knowing what you bring to the relationship (e.g., your desires, strengths, roles, preferences, personality) or how you envision the relationship to be helps build a two-sided relationship where . We know it doesn’t feel great to have any relationship feel completely dictated by the other person or remain undefined or unintentional.
While there’s no way to know in advance what your relationship with your baby will be like, it’s helpful to reflect on how you want to be a mom or notice what comes up for you when imagining yourself as a mom. Doing so can positively affect prenatal attachment and the mother-newborn bond, especially if you’re someone that appreciates having time to process your thoughts and feelings about a new relationship.
Reason #3. Getting curious about your matrescence can help you differentiate between internalized assumptions about motherhood versus personalized intentions.
Especially if you’re a first-time parent, you may not be fully aware of the self-imposed expectations you’ve absorbed along the way about what a “good mother” is or should be. The bliss narrative or supermom expectation embedded into the world around us and online is profoundly unrealistic and damaging. Unlike pregnancy, where we want birthing people to fall into a range of expected experiences that signal physically healthy progression for birthing person and baby - there is no one size fits all template of what being a mom has to look like. If you don’t let yourself pause or imagine what a new maternal identity means to you, it can be easy to default to social pressures or what you assume you “should” be doing - instead of trying what really works for who you are. This can be especially true if you’ve felt pressured before to be a social chameleon or mask a part of yourself or multicultural identity. While it’s important to be open-minded towards any new experience, setting personal intentions can help you hold onto a sense of purpose as you discover the mom you want to be.
Reason #4. Creates opportunities for real connection and community for first-time parents.
Just as all of our other identities are individually and relationally shaped - this is the case for your identity as a mother. Being able to talk honestly during pregnancy about thoughts, mixed feelings, questions, or concerns about mother-becoming means chances for genuine support, story telling, the sharing of wisdom or (solicited) advice, and growing new connections or community. It also gives expecting birthing people a paradigm and language to express what they need emotionally or relationally during pregnancy (and after) with partners, friends, and family. Talking with others about their identities as moms and parents can also help you differentiate between what are typical ups and downs that come with a big change in how you see yourself versus when professional mental health support or intervention is necessary.
Reason #5. Normalizing the growing pains of matrescence may decrease likelihood of PMADs during and after pregnancy.
In Parts 1 and 2, I talked about how matrescence is a process not too different from adolescence; both are meaningful rites of passage from one sense of self to another, and we should expect highs, lows, and growing pains. PMADs, or perinatal mood and anxiety disorders, are the leading complication associated with childbirth (and they can also occur during pregnancy). This includes what’s commonly known as postpartum depression, but can also include anxiety, OCD, PTSD, and psychosis before or after the baby is born.
While sometimes PMADs occur as a direct result of biological changes (e.g., significant hormonal changes during pregnancy, after birth, or with multiple new life stressors) - we do also know that other factors influence our mental health. For example, our feelings often seem more overwhelming when they are a complete surprise to us. If you didn’t expect or give yourself permission to feel disoriented, anxious, scared, or sad about the changes to your life and identity in becoming a mother - these emotions can completely throw you off or create a shame spiral when you do. Emotional spirals are hard enough when life is routine - but when they occur specifically during times we’re more physically and emotionally taxed and vulnerable (i.e., pregnancy and postpartum) - it will be even harder to navigate well. There are so many ways that expecting women are encouraged to plan and prepare during pregnancy - yet sadly, a minority of those details have to do with caring for their mental health and sense of self. Knowing what you’re looking forward to as a mother and what may be a challenge for you can help you plan ahead - and your future self will probably thank you.
Reason #6. Focusing on matrescence breaks the cycle of oppression and silence that many birthing people experience.
Giving attention to matrescence challenges patriarchy and breaks the cycle of silence experienced by women and birthing people to have one type of experience - namely, where they seamlessly, smilingly become mothers who are immediately competent, loving, fulfilled, and thankful for their new roles and family lives. While there are moments of joy, self-discovery, fun, and empowered transformation - there are also moments of upheaval, vulnerability, loneliness, and self-doubt. Even if you’ve always wanted to have a baby, becoming a mother is hard and takes work and time - and it’s deeply imperfect process for everyone.
Said by reproductive psychiatrist Dr. Alexandra Sacks, “We know that too many women are ashamed to speak openly of these struggles for fear of being judged and labeled bad or ungrateful mothers. For most women, it’s this shame and silence that’s the real problem, not the experience themselves…when women’s stories deviate from this bliss narrative, they may feel alarmed and bury the experience, choosing not to share the uglier moments of motherhood with family and friends, and hardly ever on social media. Their stories are pushed deep down and left untold, and so the cycle continues ” (Sacks, xvii-xviii).
Encouraging a focus on matrescence and being real about its possibilities and challenges allows women to unapologetically be themselves during a major life transition. Instead of pretending or isolating, moms are more likely to receive compassionate and effective guidance during an undeniably vulnerable time of pregnancy and postpartum - and draw much needed attention to where larger systems continue to ignore and fail birthing people. I don’t think it’s an overstatement to say that focusing on matrescence is an act of social justice that ultimately advocates for the holistic thriving of new parents and their families.
External supports for your matrescence
If you’re interested in seeking outside support during your pregnancy and matrescence journey, here are some suggestions.
Individual therapy with a therapist specializing in perinatal mental health
Couples therapy with a therapist who specifically works with expecting couples or postpartum parents
Peer support groups (e.g., Postpartum Support International, The Motherhood Center)
Connect with a doula (midwives and OBs focus on baby development and birth, doulas focus on emotionally supporting the birthing person)
Matrescence support and education resources (workshops, books, webinars)
About the Author: Peggy Loo, PhD is a counseling psychologist and specializes in perinatal mental health at Manhattan Therapy Collective. She enjoys working with pregnant and postpartum parents and helping them process their experiences of matrescence - whether it ended up matching expectations or not. She believes centering and supporting matrescence is something everyone can do, regardless of personal experience or reproductive identity that has the potential to change the world.
References:
Sacks, A., & Birndorf, C. (2019). What no one tells you: A guide to your emotions from pregnancy to motherhood. Simon & Schuster.