Common signs of perfectionism

  • Setting unrealistically high expectations of yourself

  • Having a loud, unrelenting inner critic that motivates with “tough love”, guilt, or shame

  • Feeling a constant inner pressure to achieve and be exceptional

  • Noticing how you feel at the end of a day depends on how much you got done, feeling guilty if you “did nothing”

  • Trouble celebrating your progress or goals when met

  • Focusing only on the few pieces of minor constructive feedback in a sea of positive comments

  • Ruminating on past shortcomings, mistakes, and failures

  • Procrastination

  • Greatest fear is failure

  • Finding yourself hedging your efforts (if you don’t put in real time and effort, you can’t be told your all wasn’t good enough)

  • All or nothing thinking

  • Applying the same high standards to everyone else in your life and being hypercritical of others

  • Hard time slowing down or believing in the real value of rest, sleep, self-care, or self-compassion

  • Imposter syndrome

  • Burnout, anxiety, depression, disordered eating or substance use

Perfectionism takes the joy out of reaching your goals

Feeling proud, satisfied, and happy about doing a good job or meeting your goals is one of the best natural dopamine hits out there. However, perfectionism takes the joy out of these moments. A lot of people assume that perfectionists are type A, detail-oriented individuals who always cross their t’s and dot their i’s. Someone with a very clean home or impeccably put together, coordinated outfit. Some perfectionists are! However, perfectionism has little to do with being an organized person or what things look like on the outside - and has everything to do with what’s happening on the inside. At its core, perfectionism has to do with an imbalanced, conditional relationship between your self worth and your achievement. In other words, your sense of value directly hinges on what you do (or don’t do).

To be clear, it’s healthy to feel good about ourselves when we’re successful, and expected that we feel disappointed if we make a mistake, or even fail at something we put effort into. It’s also wonderful to be ambitious, to excel, even to desire to stand out as the best. However, when your worth is defined solely by achieving success (and avoiding failure), your self-esteem climbs and falls like a rollercoaster. Or worse yet, every life experience is a way to prove (or disprove) your value as a person. The possibility of “falling short” always feels just around the corner. It’s difficult to possess a self-esteem that can remain generally stable and balanced across circumstances. Instead of being able to accept shortcomings as a part of life and a means of growth, you are crushed and demoralized when things don’t go the way you hoped. When you are able to meet a high standard - it’s a short-lived high that doesn’t last - because you have to move onto the next goal to chase. Having a perfectionistic mindset sets up an exhausting, endless loop of striving to prove your self-worth through action. It can also mean that you have unfairly high expectations of others, which creates relationship strain or conflict and sets you up for disappointment.

“Learning that failure is not catastrophic in most cases is a liberating life lesson. Doing so allows you to take risks and wholeheartedly try anything - without fearing that what happens next defines all of who you are.”

A multicultural note: Marginalized identity stress increases risk of perfectionism

Having a marginalized identity can increase the likelihood of adopting an unhelpfully perfectionistic mindset. Experiencing exclusion, negative bias, microaggressions, or prejudice is automatically devaluing. Often in response (or sadly, in fair anticipation) many people have to overcompensate and overachieve simply to be viewed equally by others. The double burden of other people’s scrutiny with an internal self critic is a recipe for unhealthy perfectionism and a precarious sense of self-worth. Women in positions of leadership, BIPOCs in academia or STEM, students with disabilities, people with housing instability, first generation college students, and immigrants are just some examples where representing a minority experience creates added pressures that exacerbate (or are the genesis) of perfectionistic attitudes. Often in these contexts, the expectation to achieve isn’t only internal - it is enforced by parents, teachers, family members, even communities - that you succeed where others have yet to. If this is true for you, understanding this context can help you be aware of what may be driving your perfectionism.

How can therapy for perfectionism help me?

The goal of therapy for perfectionism is not settling for mediocrity or learning to aim low. Being ambitious, goal setting, accepting challenges, and striving for excellence can all be fantastic motivations and inspire you. However, if the reason you achieve is because you need to prove your worth - you’re more likely to experience significant anxiety and insecurity in life. You’re also more likely to avoid new opportunities or take risks because failure feels so deeply personal and terrifying.

Working with a therapist on perfectionism can help you set realistic expectations and develop a balanced and full sense of identity. While being a high-achiever can be a great part of who you are, it does not need to be the only part. Often perfectionism edges out space and opportunity for you to enjoy other parts of your identity - such as the roles you play in relationships, your values, beliefs, or being a member of a community or cause you care about. Since perfectionism tends to be all or nothing (e.g., I met expectations or else I failed), it’s hard to recognize and celebrate effort or progress because it simply never feels like enough. It’s like putting your head down during a road trip and only looking out the window when you’re at your destination. Sure, it’s great that you arrived, but you’ve probably missed moments along the way worth taking in.

In therapy, you can also problem solve your procrastination and avoidance, which is incredibly common in perfectionism. While procrastination delays the possibility of failure, it actually increases the fear and pressure to achieve. Learning that failure is not catastrophic in most cases is a liberating life lesson. Doing so allows you to take risks and wholeheartedly try anything - without fearing that what happens next defines all of who you are. A therapist can help you fight and change a self-critical inner voice and create healthier ways of thinking and speaking to yourself. Processing past experiences or exploring marginalized identities and contexts that may have culminated in a perfectionistic mindset can also offer clarity and self-compassion as you work towards a healthier relationship with achievement. Often this means that you get to enjoy your successes as equally as enjoying rest, play, progress, and being present - they don’t have to be mutually exclusive.

Finding a perfectionism therapist in NYC - let’s work together

Our team of psychologists at Manhattan Therapy Collective are trained in a number of relational, multicultural, and evidence-based therapy approaches that can address the underlying mechanisms of perfectionism such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Relational Cultural Therapy. Our goal is to help you build a fuller, balanced sense of self, which can include being a high-achiever if that’s important to you. We encourage you to reach out for support - we would love to connect with you and answer your questions. Perfectionism often means feeling exhausted, self-critical, hyperfocused on high standards and relentless striving. It’s hard to be joyful. With therapy, you can learn to set goals and go for them wholeheartedly while knowing that the outcomes do not represent all of who you are. You can aim high and learn to enjoy the ride.

 

Common questions about therapy for perfectionism

 

  • Yes, we think so! Perfectionism is about your sense of self- not just outward behaviors - so it tends to affect multiple ares of your life, not just one. Especially if your perfectionism is resulting in significant anxiety, depression, chronic imposter syndrome, burnout, or low self esteem - addressing any of these symptoms without understanding and changing the perfectionism underneath won’t result in satisfying, lasting change.

  • We hear that a lot, and we understand that many people have incredibly busy lives. However, in our opinion, investing in your personal growth and emotional wellbeing has one of the strongest ROIs (return on investment) out there. Focusing on something as fundamental as how you set goals and expectations and its effect on your self-worth can impact the rest of your life. Now that therapy is more accessible than ever with teletherapy options, we encourage you to try out short-term therapy if you’re unable to make a longer commitment.