Therapy for unhealthy perfectionism in NYC

Our team of therapists with doctoral-level training bring a wealth of knowledge about perfectionism and expertise in helping you aim high with a strong sense of self-worth.

At first, being perfectionistic may seem like a superpower - you’ve probably achieved a lot and been recognized for your accomplishments. However, unhealthy perfectionism means your self worth is defined by your successes - which means you have to be the best. This unrelenting expectation and lifestyle is often a one-way ticket to chronic anxiety and burnout. Therapy for perfectionism can help you establish a stable sense of self-worth and healthier relationship to your goals. To learn more, book a free, 15-minute consultation with us today.

 

Sign and symptoms of unhealthy perfectionism

  • Setting unrealistically high expectations of yourself

  • Being hypercritical of others

  • Hard time slowing down or believing in the value of rest or self-care

  • Chronic burnout, anxiety, depression, disordered eating or substance use to cope with the pressure

  • Having a loud, unrelenting inner critic

  • Noticing how you feel at the end of a day depends on what you did

  • Persistent guilt and shame for not doing enough

  • Trouble celebrating progress or effort

  • Ruminating on past shortcomings, mistakes, and failures

  • Procrastination

 

What causes perfectionism?

There is no one cause of perfectionism, but here are a few factors to keep in mind:

  • Growing up in a competitive environment

  • Hypercritical, demanding, or conditionally supportive parents

  • Untreated anxiety, ADHD, or other disorder where high standards try to cover up inner struggles

  • Being part of a minority group (see below)

  • Trauma and neglect

  • High-pressured or high-profile job or industry

Why perfectionism isn’t actually a superpower

Feeling proud, satisfied, and happy about doing a good job or meeting your goals is one of the best natural dopamine hits out there. However, perfectionism takes the joy out of these moments. A lot of people assume that perfectionists are type A, detail-oriented individuals who always cross their t’s and dot their i’s. Someone with a very clean home or impeccably put together, coordinated outfit. Some perfectionists are! However, perfectionism has little to do with being an organized person or what things look like on the outside - and has everything to do with what’s happening on the inside.

Clinical definition of (unhealthy) perfectionism

At its core, perfectionism has to do with an imbalanced, conditional relationship between your self worth and your achievement. In other words, your sense of value directly hinges on what you do (or don’t do).

To be clear, it’s healthy to feel good about ourselves when we’re successful, and expected that we feel disappointed if we make a mistake, or even fail at something we put effort into. However, when your worth is defined solely by achieving success (and avoiding failure), your self-esteem climbs and falls like a rollercoaster. Every life experience becomes a way to prove your value as a person.

How perfectionism relates to the fear of failure

Instead of being able to accept shortcomings and failures as a part of life and an opportunity to grow, you are crushed and demoralized. You try and avoid failure at all costs. When you are able to meet a high standard - it’s only a short-lived high - because now you’re setting up the next goal to chase. Having a perfectionistic mindset sets up an exhausting, endless loop of striving to prove your self-worth through action. It can also mean that you have unfairly high expectations of others, which creates relationship strain and will set you up for disappointment- because no one’s perfect.

 

Minority identity stress increases risk of perfectionism

Being othered because of some part of your identity can increase the likelihood of adopting an unhelpfully perfectionistic mindset.

Stereotypes and biases can increase perfectionism

Experiencing exclusion, negative bias, microaggressions, or prejudice is automatically devaluing. In response, people end up overcompensating by overachieving - simply to be viewed equally or positively by others. The double burden of other people’s scrutiny with an internal self critic is a recipe for unhealthy perfectionism and a precarious sense of self-worth.

Women in positions of leadership, BIPOCs in academia or STEM, people with disabilities, first generation college students, and immigrants are just some examples where representing a minority experience adds pressure that exacerbates (or is the genesis) of perfectionistic attitudes.

 

How can therapy for perfectionism help?

The goal of therapy for perfectionism is not settling for mediocrity or learning to aim low. Being ambitious, goal setting, accepting challenges, and striving for excellence can all be fantastic motivations and inspire you. However, if the reason you achieve is because you need to prove your worth - you’re more likely to experience significant anxiety and insecurity in life. You’re also more likely to avoid new opportunities or take risks because failure feels so deeply personal and terrifying.

Examples therapy goals for unhealthy perfectionism

  • Differentiate healthy ambition from unhealthy perfectionism

  • Set realistic expectations (this can include high standards)

  • Develop a balanced identity beyond your accomplishments

  • Challenge all or nothing thinking

  • Learn to celebrate effort and progress

  • Understand how your perfectionism developed

  • Address avoidance and procrastination

  • Learn how to respond to failure in healthy ways

  • Challenge a strong inner self-critic and learn how to motivate yourself without guilt or shame

  • Enjoy working hard and resting in equal measure

 

Types of therapy for perfectionism

Psychodynamic Therapy

Psychodynamic therapy focuses on gaining insight about past experiences that shaped your sense of self, and can include how and why you began having perfectionistic expectations of yourself. Understanding the root causes of your self-imposed expectations can help you make key changes that balance being successful with a stable sense of self-worth.

Multicultural Therapy

Multicultural therapy celebrates individual differences and all identities as equal and valuable. Being vigilant of negative bias or stereotype threat can make perfectionism a way to show others you’re good enough. Talking about the ways that your identities may be tied to perfectionistic habits or expectations is an important part of the puzzle to solve.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)

CBT focuses on identifying connections between your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. If you’ve been a self-identified perfectionist for awhile, it can be hard to challenge what feels like ingrained ways of thinking or acting in environments you want to succeed in. Becoming aware of which thoughts and behaviors promote a whole sense of self and those that don’t is an essential way to grow.

 

Therapists for perfectionism in Manhattan NYC

Our team of psychologists at Manhattan Therapy Collective are trained in a number of relational and evidence-based therapy approaches that can address the underlying causes of perfectionism such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, psychodynamic therapy, and Multicultural therapy.

Our goal is to help you build a fuller, balanced sense of self, which can include being a high-achiever if that’s important to you. Perfectionism often means feeling exhausted, self-critical, hyperfocused on high standards and relentless striving. It’s hard to be joyful. With therapy, you can learn to set goals and go for them wholeheartedly while enjoying the process.

If you’re interested in learning more, book a free consultation today.

 

Common questions about therapy for perfectionism

 

  • Yes, we think so! Perfectionism is about your sense of self- not just outward behaviors - so it tends to affect multiple ares of your life, not just one. Especially if your perfectionism is resulting in significant anxiety, depression, chronic imposter syndrome, burnout, or low self esteem - addressing any of these symptoms without tackling the perfectionism underneath won’t result in satisfying, lasting change.

  • We hear that a lot, and we understand that many people have incredibly busy lives. However, in our opinion, investing in your personal growth and emotional wellbeing has one of the strongest ROIs (return on investment) out there. Focusing on something as fundamental as how you set goals and expectations and its effect on your self-worth can impact the rest of your life. Now that therapy is more accessible than ever with teletherapy options, we encourage you to try out short-term therapy if you’re unable to make a longer commitment.