Coping with Anxious Attachment and Fear of Abandonment: Part 1
By Crystal Chen, PhD
In my previous blog on attachment theory, we learned about the four different attachment orientations and how they reflect our patterns, feelings, and beliefs in relationships. In this post, we'll dive deeper into adult anxious attachment in intimate relationships, gain a better understanding of its underlying fears and motivations, and develop an appreciation for how this style may have formed.
Keep in mind: For most people, healing from attachment-related injuries requires not only insight, but also support in identifying emotional wounds and processing unresolved experiences. If you’re interested in learning more or therapy for attachment concerns, I strongly encourage you to reach out to an attachment and trauma-informed mental health professional.
What does anxious attachment feel like?
"I feel empty, incomplete, and distressed without my person or partner."
"I think about this person all day every day, and can't seem to function without them."
"I can't exist without them."
Many of us have felt this way to some extent. Imagine how you felt after a painful break-up or loss–the feeling of being punched in the gut, unable to imagine your future without the person, and everything suddenly feels off balance. You might find yourself replaying conversations, consumed by thoughts about the person, and yearning for that connection again.
These intense reactions aren’t random–they’re rooted in our neurobiology. To understand why separation or loss can feel so devastating, we need to look at the evolutionary function of our attachment system.
The evolutionary roots of attachment anxiety
First proposed by John Bowlby, attachment theory explains that humans are biologically wired to seek closeness to caregivers for survival. For children, staying close to caregivers increased their chances of protection and safety. When there's a threat to the attachment relationship (e.g., separation, loss)–whether real or just perceived–it triggers the attachment system and compels a child to seek closeness. You can see this in a child crying on the first day of kindergarten, or the ache of homesickness during an extended period away from family.
This wiring doesn’t just disappear in adulthood. The pain we feel when we're separated from someone we love or when we're afraid of losing them, is rooted in this same system.
Where does an anxious attachment orientation come from?
Early attachment researchers, who focused on studying infants, proposed that the central cause of anxious attachment is inconsistent, unpredictable caregiving. It's important to note that more recent research has suggested that adult romantic attachment is shaped by a complex interaction of factors, including but not limited to genetics, personality, neurodiversity (e.g., ADHD and ASD), and trauma. In Part 1, we’ll focus on the role of early relational experiences, while acknowledging they’re just one part of the bigger picture.
In general, people with an anxious attachment orientation have internalized a sense that distance (emotional or physical) from their attachment figure is emotionally threatening or unsafe. This can stem from a variety of past caregiving experiences, including but not limited to:
A history of emotional of physical abandonment
Early traumatic separations from your caregivers (e.g., divorce, parental illness, migration, and adoption)
Growing up with caregivers who modeled attachment anxiety, or that loving someone comes with poor personal boundaries
Living through and enduring shared trauma with your caregiver (e.g., abuse or neglect from the other parent, immigration, poverty, etc.)
Worrying about a caregiver’s safety or well-being (e.g., due to intimate partner abuse, mental or physical illness, emotional instability, etc.)
Attachment anxiety as a natural adaptation
If we looked at each of these circumstances, we can understand how attachment anxiety becomes a natural adaptation to maintain your connection with others.
If you've experienced abandonment, it makes sense that your system is hyperalert to any signs that you might abandoned or rejected again. Naturally, you would feel safer and more emotionally regulated if people were accessible and close by.
If you grew up with emotionally inconsistent and unpredictable parenting, it makes sense that you learned to get care and avoid rejection by constantly focusing on and monitoring your parent's moods, prioritizing their needs, and becoming whoever they needed you to be. As a result, your own needs were deemphasized.
If you grew up with parents who were loving, but love also meant you were responsible for their emotional well-being and your own needs were mainly met when you stayed emotionally close and attuned - it makes sense that you’d feel uneasy or unsafe when alone. As a result, you may have come to depend heavily on external reassurance to regulate your emotional world.
If you grew up concerned about your caregiver's safety, the best way to make sure that they're okay (and therefore, you'll be looked after, cared for, and okay) is to stay close by and be ready for any changes.
Attachment anxiety as an “alarm system”
Anxiety is our internal alarm that goes off when we perceive a threat or danger. For people with an anxious attachment orientation, our alarm is highly sensitive to perceived attachment threats, and a great deal of energy is devoted to scanning for any potential signs that could mean you'll be left, abandoned, or uncared for.
Unfortunately, when this “threat detector” is tuned up so highly based on past relational trauma, this can turn relatively benign situations into extremely distressing and urgent situations that come with a sense of “relationship or death”.
Examples of a potentially hypersensitive attachment threat detector
Example 1: When your partner goes on a trip, you wonder “Why haven’t they called to say how much they love me and that they're thinking about me? They must not care anymore.”
Example 2: Your partner spends time with friends, and you think “They're enjoying themselves a lot. They're going to forget about me."
Example 3: Your partner hasn't responded to your text and you ask yourself "What if they're cheating on me?" (in absence of any evidence)
Example 4: Your partner is late from work and you go to “It’s 9:30pm and they said they’d be home by 9pm. What if something happened? What if they never come back? How will I be okay without them?”
What are hyperactivating strategies
One of the key features of anxious attachment is the use of hyperactivating strategies - these are intense efforts to regain closeness when an attachment threat is perceived. In childhood, this might look like crying or clinging to a parent. In adulthood, this drive to restore a felt sense of closeness can lead to excessive texting or calling, constantly checking your phone for replies, lashing out (anger is sometimes a bid for closeness), and "testing" your partner to see if they "actually" care or if this time they're going to leave. While these behaviors are typically driven by a real need for felt safety and connection, they also come with intense distress and often place great strain on your relationships.
Many people with anxious attachment orientations also carry intense shame about their emotional and relationship needs. You might feel like you’re “too much,” “too needy,” or that your expectations are unreasonable. Sometimes, this shame can also be wrapped up in broader societal judgments that are influenced by misogyny (e.g., not wanting to be "the clingy girlfriend," being told that it’s "weak" or "womanly" to want love) and ableism (e.g., feeling "crazy" or "less than" because you struggle in a particular way).
But the truth is, hyperactivating your attachment needs and seeking out closeness may have been the best way for you to get your needs met in unpredictable, unstable, or impossible situations. However, if these patterns are leaving you unhappy and no longer serving you in relationships, there are other options and pathways forward.
Where do I go from here?
If this sounds like you, please know that you are not wrong for feeling very anxious in relationships. It's not your fault if you struggle with telling the difference between actual threats to connection and the ones your mind, body, and past experiences have learned to anticipate. Anxious attachment isn’t a flaw–it’s an adaptation that served you at some point. It has formed to help you stay close to the people you depended on, especially in unpredictable or emotionally inconsistent environments.
And the good news is any adaptation can evolve, especially through safe and trusting relational experiences.
You are not defined by your attachment trauma. You are a dynamic person with the capacity to experience, co-create, and internalize many different attachment experiences, including secure ones. So what can you do as a start?
Tip 1: Choose relationships that demonstrate emotional safety
If your life narrative has been “people always leave me," healing often begins with disrupting this story by seeking out emotionally available and consistent partners.
People with anxious attachment are often drawn to more avoidant partners, who often struggle with their own set of challenges, such as difficulty with emotional expression, intimacy, or commitment. Unless both parties are open and willing to work through these issues, this pairing often repeats unhelpful experiences, reactivates old wounds of abandonment, and keeps you stuck.
If you’re used to the high highs and low lows of unpredictable love, the steady presence of a secure person might feel unfamiliar, too overwhelming, or even the total opposite–too “boring”. But relational safety is exactly what builds secure attachment over time. No coping skill or therapy “trick" compares to the healing power of being with someone who helps you feel safe, seen, and accepted.
As adults, many of us may be learning how to make intentional choices in our relationships. Here’s what this might look like in practice:
Prioritize building relationships with people who are emotional reliable, consistent, and show they are invested in their emotional and personal growth (e.g., openness to feedback, self-reflection or self-care practices, being in their own therapy).
Consider reducing your involvement with people who frequently show in their actions that they can’t or won’t meet your needs. Look at their behaviors. If there’s a consistent pattern of emotional unavailability, avoidance, or inconsistency, pause and ask yourself why am I still investing in this relationship? Am I holding on to the potential or hope of the relationship rather than accepting them for who they are right now?
Get clear on your personal red flags (e.g., are you often drawn to emotionally unavailable partners?). Reflect on whether this pattern of engagement is working for you, or if it's repeatedly led to pain and hurt?
If you find yourself caught in a helpless repetition of emotionally unavailable partners, I strongly recommend seeking support from a mental health professional. Sometimes, we can logically know something, while our body and nervous system may still crave the familiarity of old patterns. Our therapists at Manhattan Therapy Collective are here to help if you’re interested in understanding more about attachment anxiety or your patterns in relationships. Reach out today and schedule a free 15-minute consultation to learn more - we’d love to connect.
While much of our healing requires self-work, this first tip acknowledges that we are inherently relational beings, and we can’t fully heal without new, reparative relational experiences.
Our behaviors in relationships are shaped by a complex interplay of attachment, personal history, and identity factors. For many, insecure attachment can also dovetail with ADHD and autism, as difficulties with emotion regulation, rejection sensitive dysphoria, and the struggle to get one’s needs met in a neurotypical world can all further reinforce challenges with establishing secure relationships. Systemic experiences, such as racialized trauma, marginalization, and discrimination, also further shape how we experience safety and closeness with others.
Relationships are complex! My hope is that this understanding can serve as a starting point for attuning more curiously and gently to yourself.
Stay tuned for Part 2 of this blog series on anxious attachment, where I’ll share more practical tips on navigating attachment anxiety in intimate relationships.
About the Author: Dr. Crystal Chen is a postdoctoral fellow at Manhattan Therapy Collective, and she enjoys working with people wanting to heal from attachment-related wounds. She is passionate about neurodiversity-affirming therapy and helping others feel seen, understood, and less alone in their fears of disconnection or abandonment.