Matrescence Part 1: Making Room for Maternal Identity Exploration during Pregnancy
By Peggy Loo, PhD
What comes to mind when you think of yourself as an expecting first time mother? Or what do you usually end up talking about when someone asks how your pregnancy is going?
Maybe you mention the latest symptoms in your changing body. Maybe swap updates on nursery setup progress or stress about all the things you’re “supposed to” prepare or buy before your due date, getting advice on what more seasoned parents recommend. Your OB appointments, childbirth class, baby shower planning, nesting, pros and cons of birthing preferences and birth “plans” and coordinating maternity leave or postpartum supports. Lots of pregnancy advice and resources (sometimes too much, and often unsolicited!)
While all of these things make sense - notice that they’re all centered on having a “good” pregnancy, a healthy baby or uncomplicated birth, and the social rituals or cultural expectations many of us associate with what it means to be expecting a little one.
While time and effort should be dedicated towards the new challenges associated with a pregnant body, life or home transitions, good medical care, and a safe delivery - often what can feel secondary or even neglected is the catalyst of a radical and complex identity change within the women themselves.
How often do you talk or think about how you’re feeling about becoming a mom?
Enter the word matrescence - a strengths-based, honest way of describing the unique opportunities and struggles of developing a maternal identity - normalizing that it’s a fluid, ongoing, and important process (Athan, 2024). There’s no “Mom identity” switch that simply turns on when you’re pregnant or after birth - it’s a journey with fits and starts and ups and downs that actually takes time and deserves greater attention in our lives and conversations.
What is matrescence, exactly?
A lot of the first-time expecting mothers I work with have never heard of the word matrescence (pronounced mah- treh- sense). Matrescence is a play off the word adolescence but instead of emphasizing the process of becoming an adult, it’s the process of maternal identity formation, or what it means for you to see yourself as a mother.
Since this topic is so broad, Part 1 of this blog series will focus on pregnancy as a starting point for matrescence. I’m choosing to center the experience of first-time mothers, as it’s the introduction to the entire ride - as well as the emotional or mental health side of matrescence as a psychologist who specializes in perinatal mental health. In this post, I’ll interchangeably use the word “mother”, “mom”, and “birthing person”.
I also want to say, if you are someone who is expecting and has experienced miscarriage or pregnancy loss on the road to becoming a mother - first of all, I’m very sorry. Secondly, there are nuances to your experience that deserve acknowledgment. This post does mention the impact of those experiences on matrescence, but doesn’t go into depth. Please continue reading to the degree you feel comfortable.
We remember adolescence as a tumultuous time - full of self-discovery, highs and lows, and a generally bewildering experience most adults have no interest repeating if given the option. There’s usually acknowledgement for teens on this rollercoaster that it is not easy nor meant to be an intuitive experience.
Being pregnant parallels much of puberty and adolescence (and you thought you were done with that). It’s also a period of profound physical, hormonal, mental, emotional, relational, and self-focused change and disorientation. However, there’s often less room to name and process the “coming of age” upheaval of matrescence in our day to day or social rituals.
The term matrescence itself was coined by Dana Raphael in 1975, and she is credited with saying, “The critical transition period which has been missed is matrescence, the time of mother-becoming ... Giving birth does not automatically make a mother out of a woman ... The amount of time it takes to become a mother needs study” (Raphael, 1975, p. 65-70).
What factors affect matrescence during pregnancy?
Here are some factors that affect how a new maternal identity feels for you:
Your reproductive story (how did you imagine becoming a mother vs what happened)
Your expectations or beliefs about motherhood (e.g., perfectionistic supermom, sacrificial, “bliss myth”, maternal instinct)
Past experiences of being mothered, attachment history, and traumas (such as infertility treatment, prior pregnancy loss/es)
Life stage of birthing person (early adulthood vs. mid-adulthood)
Planned vs unplanned pregnancy
Which pregnancy is it (first vs. third child) and singleton (vs. twins or triplets)
Physical experience of pregnancy (hyperemesis, being high(er) risk, other existing medical conditions, difficulty with weight gain or changes to physical routines)
Social support
Existing identities that may compete with maternal identity development (such as caregiver, romantic partner, professional)
Level of personal stability and bandwidth (financial stress, moving, bereavement, other major life transitions)
Amount of support or stigma associated with time off for prenatal care or parental leave at your place of employment
Whether your care team (OB, midwife, doula) has integrative training with other aspects of pregnancy beyond your birthing body (such as perinatal mental health)
Social privilege (knowledge or access to resources, support groups, doulas, quality prenatal care, therapy)
Mental health history and experience
Multicultural identity (e.g., cultural, neurodivergence, race, class, disability, etc) and related beliefs, rituals, and expectations (confinement/40 day period or la cuarentena)
As you can imagine, depending on your unique constellation of factors, your experience of an emerging maternal identity may look quite different from another expecting woman. Your personal process may feel largely positive or really emotionally challenging for very real, valid reasons. It may feel like you’re welcomed into a new community or lonely, like the people who used to get you can’t anymore. Seeing yourself as a new mom may feel real some days and not cross your mind other days when pregnant. Often it’s a bit of everything.
If you’ve had a rough go with pregnancy symptoms or getting pregnant, it may literally take all of your energy simply to get through the day and that’s a win. Or if you’re pregnant after an experience with infertility or miscarriage, you may have loud unique fears and don’t want to think too far forward about motherhood - or can’t quite share the experience of women who conceived easily. Both are perfectly okay - even acknowledging things like the physicality or the vulnerability and uniqueness of your process towards motherhood works.
What am I supposed to feel when I’m pregnant?
The hope here is that expecting women can experience space and encouragement for self exploration of a new identity alongside their significantly changing bodies and lives. The sad reality is that the mental health and identity of mothers is often deprioritized in order to focus on the wellbeing of her growing baby starting from pregnancy - and this deprioritization can get stronger during postpartum (sometimes you’re told that’s what a “good mom” does).
But this doesn’t need to be the case, nor does it have to be all or nothing! Part of the way we can do this is by centering the inner worlds of pregnant birthing people wherever it makes sense.
To be clear, there’s no “right” way or timeline when it comes to forming a new sense of self as a mother. It may feel like complete speculation and abstract for you (especially when part of it is your role towards a little one you have yet to meet face to face), or you may feel differently about who you are early in your pregnancy.
Since pregnancy progresses in a stepwise and (relatively) predictable, time-limited way, it can be easy to assume matrescence should follow a similar pattern, which couldn’t be farther from the truth. Matrescence is a unique and personal process that can start anytime and will evolve and take shape through your life experiences (as any mother of a teenager will tell you, that feels pretty different than identifying as a mother of a newborn).
Why is space for matrescence important during pregnancy
Creates pathways for motherhood
When matrescence is overshadowed or missing in how we talk about or experience pregnancy, the inner process or typical growing pains of mother-becoming aren’t normalized or nurtured. It isn’t remotely true that it’s all blissful, “natural”, or that maternal instinct (or hormones) kicks in and hands you a fully formed sense of self at some point. In my professional experience, expecting this to happen needlessly heightens guilt, self doubt, feelings of defectiveness, perfectionism, masking, and isolation during pregnancy when it doesn’t feel that way - and absolutely sets new moms up for a more challenging postpartum year (and sense of self) in every way.
Moreover, if all you’ve ever been encouraged to spend your attention on during your pregnancy is baby or body-focused - it can’t then be a surprise when first time moms describe profound distress at completely losing themselves after their baby is born. Or yearning for who they were before, making it harder to integrate a new identity. Disorientation with a new role and identity makes sense, but it doesn’t have to feel disempowering. Making room during pregnancy to focus on how you see yourself creates chosen touch points along the way.
Actual social support for expecting moms
Aside from creating space for expecting mothers to reflect on who they are becoming - encouraging honesty about all parts of the experience - what feels joyful and what feels hard with others - is crucial.
“We know that too many women are ashamed to speak openly of these struggles for fear of being judged and labeled bad or ungrateful mothers. For most women, it’s this shame and silence that’s the real problem, not the experience themselves…when women’s stories deviate from this bliss narrative, they may feel alarmed and bury the experience, choosing not to share the uglier moments of motherhood with family and friends, and hardly ever on social media. Their stories are pushed deep down and left untold, and so the cycle continues ” (Sacks, xvii-xviii)
It’s okay to struggle with a new maternal identity or notice that you’d prefer to focus on the physical changes of pregnancy rather than the personal changes. It’s a lot, and you’re literally someone in process: physically, emotionally, and psychologically.
And you’re not imagining it- we are socially conditioned into conversations about the external part of the pregnancy experience - not the internal. If you really think about it, every identity you have (as an adult, romantic partner, professional, etc) took plenty of time and has its highs and lows. You probably have people to process and vent about the messy realities you love and hate in safe spaces - but when becoming a mother it’s somehow completely different. Much more on that in part 2.
Any major shift in your sense of self, even one that you wanted, will come with a wide range of feelings and thoughts. Some wonderful, some unexpected or “socially taboo”, and it can vary moment by moment or exist all together. All of this is okay! All change comes with mixed feelings, and every expecting parent has them - it’s not a reflection on how much they love their baby or future capacity as a parent. For example, it’s very common to feel grieve, dislike, and even resent some of the changes in your life or sense of self that are inevitable parts of this process. The more we’re able to accept that all emotions towards a maternal identity are valid - the sooner birthing people can connect over this deeply shared and common experience together rather than wonder if it’s “normal” alone.
Supports prenatal and postpartum mental health
Your sense of self is very connected to your mental health - so it would be reasonable that as things may start to shift in how you see yourself that you notice emotional ups and downs beyond “it’s just the hormones.”
The mental health of expecting mothers is just as important as their physical health during pregnancy as they both directly impact the other. If expecting folks experience early and consistent support for their whole selves, it significantly reduces the risk of PMADs (prenatal anxiety, depression, and other mood disorders) during pregnancy. All of this has a positive ripple effect on postpartum life and their babies - so it’s a win-win.
Four ways to get curious about a new maternal identity
If you’re not sure where to start, here are some ideas. There are no right answers. Your identity is multifaceted and can include how you see yourself as a mom, how you relate to others, and how you relate to all the parts that make up who you are.
Here are four areas to consider and ones that have come up in my work with expecting folks in therapy. They can be starting points for your own reflections or conversations with others. Every area has a range of experiences, and you may experience them all - which is completely common and expected.
1. Reflecting on the maternal identity you want
You may already feel protective or “maternal” towards your growing little one or may have started to focus on the qualities, skills, or approaches to parenting that you associate with being a “good mother”. This can be helpful appraisal on personal values, how you’ve grown, or existing strengths you’re excited to exercise in the future as a mom. It can also bring up doubt, anxiety, and self-judgment, particularly if you’ve struggled with perfectionism or have only seen parents around you (or on social media) seem like supermoms. It’s important to remember that we all have an idealistic version of ourselves we want to reach for; everyone has strengths and areas to grow in. Just like any other important identity in your life - no one has it fully figured out, it’s all a life journey. It takes time, support, experience, and self-compassion to discover and become who you are as a mother.
2. The impact of your relationship with your mother on your maternal identity
When faced with the reality of becoming someone else’s mom, sometimes birthing people focus on the relationship they have (or didn’t have) with their own mother - and how the past shaped how they see themselves as future moms. This may invoke feelings of gratitude, optimism, and ideas for how to pass forward what was meaningful to you, or it may bring up a lot of mixed feelings, pain, and memories you’d rather avoid or not repeat in your own family. For most people it’s some combination - and this is okay! Making connections between your past experiences and their effects gives you opportunities for insight, self compassion, and support in creating the relationship you want with your baby and yourself as a mom.
3. Maternal identity “crisis”
With pregnancy often comes a complete reevaluation of time, priority, and plans as you consider how your life and identity will change in the future. This can mean major perspective shifts towards your career, existing lifestyle, sense of autonomy, and relationship with your body looking or feeling a certain way - all of which may have been key sources of identity or stability pre-pregnancy.
Especially for folks who have spent a lot of time and effort investing in many other identities (being a professional, caregiver, family member, partner, friend, athlete, creative, etc) these identities have to make room for a new one as you reconfigure your sense of who you are. This redefining may be a welcome challenge or completely disorienting as you let go of a familiar sense of self and stretch into a new one. Give yourself plenty of time and patience, as well as permission to change and explore who you are becoming.
4. Relationship changes during pregnancy
Something I think deserves more attention are the changes across your relational ecosystem that can start to occur with pregnancy and matrescence. We’ve all lost people to kids. While you may feel more connected (or reconnect) with certain friendships or family relationships with a new shared identity, you may feel more distant with others if you’re no longer able to relate. What’s on your mind may feel uncomfortable being honest about with your current social circle, or you may compare or feel competitive with other mothers. You may feel more connected with a partner and find it easy to relate to each other as a family unit or there may be a sense that nothing will go back to the way it was before.
Whether you like it or not, people may start treating you differently, which can feel affirming and strange all at the same time. Naming these changes is a first step to deciding what and how to talk about what’s happening (and clarify what you want), rather than feeling an inevitable and silent shift in your relationships.
Takeaways for expecting mothers
Just as there’s no one way for a person to experience adolescence on their way to adulting, there isn’t a right way for birthing people to experience matrescence or mother-becoming. Pregnancy comes with a whole lot on the inside (beyond a growing baby) - and what matters is being open to self-discovery and what may come with: celebration and challenge, growth spurts and growing pains, moments of “not much happening” and everything in between.
Here are some key takeaways.
You’re not imagining it - the expectations and conversations we have about pregnancy are heavily body and baby-focused, which can unintentionally eclipse the identity exploration of expecting mothers
Everyone has a matrescence journey that includes ups and downs and takes time, compassion and patience - just like any other new identity in your life
There’s no right way or timeline for matrescence, but introducing space for it as early as pregnancy can help expecting folks self-reflect, create honest connections, and experience support for their whole selves, ultimately supporting their mental health during pregnancy and postpartum
Seek connection and support either informally or formally. Opportunities to share stories, vent, validate, ask questions, experiences ups and downs, and process can make the biggest difference. Whether this is with friends and family, online anonymous forums, making time during baby showers, or in therapy - identity exploration never happens solo and you don’t need to go it alone.
In Part 1, I focused on introducing the idea of matrescence and how helpful it can be to bring into your experience of pregnancy. If you’re noticing obstacles, avoidance, or strong, distressing emotions coming up as you think of yourself as a mother, read on in Part 2 where I cover what can make matrescence challenging.
About the Author: Peggy Loo, PhD is a counseling psychologist at Manhattan Therapy Collective. She enjoys working with expecting parents during pregnancy and postpartum and holds a certification in perinatal mental health. Dr Loo strongly believes that supporting parents is the most powerful way to support their babies and is passionate about destigmatizing the common growing pains (physically and emotionally) of pregnancy and motherhood.
References:
Athan, A. M. (2024). A critical need for the concept of matrescence in perinatal psychiatry. Frontiers in Psychiatry, 15, 1364845.
Raphael, D. (1975). Matrescence, Becoming a Mother.
Sacks, A., & Birndorf, C. (2019). What no one tells you: A guide to your emotions from pregnancy to motherhood. Simon & Schuster.