3 Reasons Why it’s Hard for Stressed Parents to Ask for Help
By Eleanor McGlinchey, PhD
Why is it so hard for a parent to ask for help?
My children are currently 14, 10 and 2 years old. This has been a particularly tough season ranging from potty training to weighing the potential costs of allowing or prohibiting teenage social media accounts. We have also had some new challenges with child anxiety crop up, which has had me particularly rattled in my role as this child’s parent and as a psychologist with some specialty training in pediatric mental health.
On top of that, I had intended to complete this blog post two months ago, and noticed myself having a hard time asking for help despite some real brain fog. I share all this to hopefully normalize the felt and significant effects of parenting stress, even for mental health professionals with significant experience in treating stress!
So why is it so hard for a parent to ask for help? I think there are some common factors that lead many of us parents to ignore or disregard our stress, struggling instead of asking for help.
Reason 1: Internalized expectations about parenting
There have been societal pressures on parents since the dawn of time. Ancient texts have thoughts on what a “good” or “bad” parent looks like, and the myth that parenthood is instinctive and natural (particularly for mothers) has been absorbed into our social fabric.
Much of what we expect of ourselves as parents comes from our own experience in our family of origin. Perhaps we saw our own parents as superhumans who did everything by their own strength and perseverance, never seeing them ask for help and thus believing that a capable parent is someone who doesn’t need help. Or maybe we were acutely aware of our own parents’ flaws and as a result feel like we should do better for our own kids.
In our current age, many new parents enter the world of parenting through social media before their child is born. There is now an overwhelming amount of “information” on parenting and how to do it “right”. Kinda makes it seem like we should be able to figure it out. After all, if I have access to all of these parenting articles and accounts that seemingly have all the answers - why would I need more help?
Reason 2: External expectations about parenting
In addition to the internalized pressures many parents carry, there are also many explicit external expectations that parents experience. It is important to note that many outside community and cultural groups can be a huge source of support for parents, while also harboring some expectation that can make it less likely that parents feel comfortable asking for help.
This might come in the form of a community school offering to provide classroom academic support to a child, while simultaneously shaming the parent for the child’s poor school performance. Or a cultural or religious group providing childcare so that parents can attend services or other events, but only if the child can abide by the neuronormative expectations of that group. Although our societal understanding of “problematic” child behavior has improved, there are still huge, invisible burdens of blame and shame placed on parents when their child is not following the expected rules of school and play. I believe there remains a huge opportunity for communities to truly support parents.
Reason 3: You didn’t have any help-seeking practices prior to becoming a parent
The stress management practices you engaged in prior to parenthood may or may not be working for you when you become a parent. Perhaps following a diet, exercise and sleep plans have always been sufficient in protecting you from the negative impacts of stress. In that case, maybe you don’t have much experience asking for support from your community or from a mental health provider. Now there is a whole new level of stress as you attempt to fulfill the diet, exercise and sleep needs of another (mostly unwilling) human being.
Perhaps part of your identity has always been self-sufficiency and seeing yourself as independent and competent - so asking for help is uncomfortable and takes effort. Starting any new habit is hard - but if you have negative biases about what it means to ask for help, it’s even harder.
I recently read a quote from English teacher Elizabeth Stone that I think encapsulates the pain and joy parents can experience: "It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body." Even with this radical level of new vulnerability, often a parent’s help-seeking attitudes or behaviors don’t evolve, which often means carrying a lot of stress alone.
3 Practical tips on how to ask for help as a stressed parent
My list of reasons for why parents have difficulty asking for help is not exhaustive, nor do I have quick solutions to the aforementioned barriers to seeking help for parents. But I will offer some tips, ones that I am currently working on in this season of parenting life.
Tip 1: First, start small.
Remember those things that protected you from stress before you were a parent? They might still be a good place to start but might take some time to tweak in your current season with the help of others. Maybe it means speaking up and asking your partner or other trusted adults for support so you can plan your meals separately from the kids, so you don’t end up eating the whole pot of pasta (since your toddler decided their favorite food is now only worthy to be thrown on the floor). This could mean asking someone else to make a meal for your family at regular intervals. Practice asking for help in one specific situation or task this week, and depending on how that feels (and how it goes), you can work your way up to getting help in bigger moments.
Tip 2: Identify what you actually experience as helpful in your existing relationships - and ask for that.
So much about day to day parenting is managing an unbelievable amount of practical details - and it may seem like asking for help should be delegating practical things to offload what’s on your shoulders. While that may be the case for you, it’s also important to consider asking for help in the form of how your relationships function in this stage of life. Instead of going out for happy hour which may not be possible for you these days, help could be asking a friend to be flexible and come over to watch a TV show with you while your child takes a nap. Having times to check in with friends via group text but without the pressure to coordinate availability or childcare for an in-person hang can be a way of asking for help in your existing relationships.
Tip 3: Don’t hesitate to outsource help when needed.
It might also be time to consider professional help in the form of individual therapy or support groups for parents. Therapy can be a weekly space for you to receive compassionate support and care in the midst of parenting stress. Joining a parent support group can normalize and offer community so you’re not isolated in your struggles. Many groups can now be accessed online via telehealth or at community centers where childcare is provided.
All to say, parenting is hard. We should not expect to do it perfectly or alone. I will take this message to heart and report back with more soon. If you’re a stressed parent interested in more support, don’t keep struggling on your own. Our team of therapists at Manhattan Therapy Collective are here to help you manage the unique stressors that are a daily part of being a parent and family life.
About the Author: Dr. McGlinchey is licensed psychologist at Manhattan Therapy Collective who enjoys working with parents in all stages of family life. These days she’s wondering if anyone has potty training tips for a resistant 2-year-old or how to decide whether being left out of the friend group DMs is worth keeping that social media door shut on an extraverted 14-year-old.