Why do I Keep Going For the Same Kind of Partner?: How Trauma Can Impact the People we Choose to Date
By Sanjita Ekhelikar, PsyD
Have you ever wondered, “why do I keep dating the same kind of partner and getting hurt in the same way?” Perhaps you just exited a relationship where a pattern of hurt happened once again, and you are feeling a sense of heartbreak that you know all too well. Or, perhaps your loved ones expressed concerns to you that your recent partner and relationship resembles that of your ex, and they are worried for you.
If any of these experiences resonate with you, you are not alone. There are many reasons that you may be pursuing the same kind of romantic partner in your life, and as with many things, the key to breaking these patterns is to understand what causes them.
One such reason is the impact of unresolved trauma.
What is trauma?
The effects of trauma can impact a person’s ability to form, maintain, and engage in interpersonal relationships. The American Psychological Association defines trauma as the body and mind’s emotional, physical, cognitive, and behavioral response to a negatively impactful event that lasts for months and even years after the incident occurred. Examples of events that are often considered traumatic include: natural disasters, physical, sexual, or emotional abuse, neglect, experiencing or witnessing violence, war and combat, passing of a loved one, prejudice/mistreatment by others, etc.
Common effects of trauma
Folks who have experienced unresolved childhood or adulthood trauma may display different symptoms as their body attempts to cope and continue to live life, including sleep disturbances/nightmares, flashbacks to the traumatic event, difficulty focusing, guilt and shame, guardedness, and avoidance of reminders of the trauma.
It’s important to note the ways that our identity factors, lived experiences, and messaging we receive about mental health and traumatic events can impact the ways in which these symptoms may show up in our personal lives. How avoidance, guilt, or shame show up for you may look very different from how it shows up for someone else - it’s okay to have different experiences and everyone requires different things for healing and growth.
The effects of trauma on dating and relationships
The effects of trauma can also impact key parts of relationship health. This can include sexual intimacy, healthy and effective communication between partners, boundary setting, and trusting your partner.
For example, being guarded with new people and avoidance may make it hard to put yourself out there to find partners on dating apps and feel confident. Complicated emotions such as guilt, shame, and grief from unresolved past trauma can make relationship milestones such as moving in together or being exclusive with one another feel overwhelming or fearful due to past hurt.
A deeper dive: How trauma can effect who we choose to date
In addition to the examples above, unresolved trauma can impact who we may be drawn to or choose to date. Here are some reasons this may occur:
Sometimes we seek people and relationships that feel familiar.
People who have experienced trauma may be drawn toward people or relationships that resemble these past situations. The human mind is often wired to pursue things that are familiar or “known,” as opposed to situations that are unknown and uncertain, as predictability can feel “safer” even if the relationship is not healthy.
Sometimes we reenact past patterns.
Reenactment in the context of trauma may involve people unconsciously replaying or recreating past patterns in dating or with picking partners. While there are many complicated psychological reasons for why we engage in reenactment, one of the reasons can be an unconscious attempt to fix or “master” what happened in the past by creating a new version of the scenario where we can, in essence, choose a different ending. However, if you aren’t aware of what’s happening or empowered to make different decisions, you can unfortunately find yourself repeating the very same pattern you were hoping to break.
Sometimes we don’t know we deserve more.
The impact of experiencing a traumatic experience on your sense of self and worth is consequential. Your negative feelings about yourself may reduce your energy levels, interest in hobbies, and motivation to make choices that nurture yourself (caring for your health, surrounding yourself with people you love, etc). Feeling badly about oneself can also lead to choosing partners and being in relationships that reinforce negative self-beliefs. For example, trauma can cause us to think that we are bad or something is wrong with us; if this shows up while dating, we might believe we don’t deserve anything that good. Therefore, we may not have high expectations that partners be respectful and trustworthy, or date people who make us feel inferior. Unfortunately, this perpetuates negative beliefs that we are defective and don’t deserve healthy relationships.
Identity and trauma
It is important to consider how differing identity factors can contribute or alter the experiences of things like low self-esteem and reenactment. In my experience working with BIPOC folks, cross-cultural relationships, or queer relationships, I often talk about how societal injustices often exacerbate the impacts of trauma.
Our understanding of relationships can often be skewed by the impact of living in a dominantly white, heterosexual, and Western society. Messages around things like toxic positivity, relational assumptions rooted in heteronormativity and monogamy, and concepts such as marriage and having children are common in our society and in the messages about how to heal from relationship wounds. It is important to recognize how personal trauma can impact or shape patterns in dating or relationships, but to not forget how larger contexts may also play its own role.
Four tips if you think past trauma is affecting your dating life
Building self-awareness makes a difference.
Awareness of the cycle can be a huge starting point to addressing, exploring, and unlearning the patterns we engage in in partner selection. As mentioned, often times the above processes happen out of our consciousness; the process of bringing this into our conscious thoughts is a crucial step into understanding why we engage in patterns, and thus beginning to undo or change them.
Try setting boundaries in dating.
Setting boundaries with who we date and the types of behaviors we condone is a huge step in unlearning patterns of choosing hurtful partners or repeating reenactments. Part of creating boundaries is also learning for yourself what you are willing to accept and not accept in your relationships, and observing how your choices reflect this.
Invest in yourself.
Nurturing your self-worth and self-esteem can be an important step in building awareness of specific patterns of people we involve ourselves with. Take steps to recognize your worth as a human being, including: speaking to your support system, engaging in hobbies and activities you enjoy, being mindful of negative language you use toward yourself.
Consider therapy for trauma and dating.
Therapy can be an essential tool in better understanding how trauma impacts your choices in dating and relationships. There are several types of therapy that can aid in processing trauma to reduce the impacts that it has on your life, including Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Cognitive Processing Therapy, EMDR, psychodynamic therapy, and strengths-based approaches. Each has their own way of helping you recognize the impact of past trauma on your relationships today. Don’t hesitate to reach out for professional support and guidance.
Trauma’s impact on who we choose as a partner is often unconscious and covert, but can manifest in cycles of relationships that leave us feeling hurt, heartbroken, or unfulfilled. Learning to break such cycles can feel daunting, but is possible and can allow you to seek partners and situations that are rewarding and nurturing. Our therapists at Manhattan Therapy Collective are trained in helping adults seeking support for dating and trauma using a range of evidence based, relational, and somatic, or body-based therapies. Reach out today and schedule a free 15-minute consultation to learn more - we’d love to connect.
About the Author:
Dr. Sanjita Ekhelikar is a postdoctoral fellow at Manhattan Therapy Collective, and she enjoys working with people navigating dating, anxiety, trauma, and looking for ways to cope with stressors and difficult life situations. She is passionate about approaching therapy from a culturally sensitive lens and understands that all people’s lived experiences matter in how they perceive the world and react to life events.