Why Emotions Matter: 5 Facts You May Not Know About Your Feelings
By Miklos Hargitay, PsyD
If you have ever wondered (or lamented) about why you have the emotional experiences you have, you’re not alone. Emotions are complex experiences; we can shift from one feeling to a completely different one moments later. They can drive us to engage in behaviors that feel unbecoming or out of character. Conversely, emotions can elevate us to have experiences that are otherworldly and can connect us deeply with others. They represent our lowest moments and our highest moments in life. Most people would rather not feel the unwanted feelings they have and only feel the enjoyable ones. While this is not actually possible, it shows that people have mixed relationships with their emotions. Yet how we respond to either pleasant or painful emotions has an impact on our overall mental health. So, what are emotions? Here are a few facts I often share with my clients.
5 Facts you may not know about your feelings
Fact #1: Emotions are messengers that communicate something important happening in your world.
Take an example of feeling anger in response to someone pushing past you on a busy street. Feeling irritation isn’t comfortable, but it is conveying a message that your personal boundaries have been disrespected and that’s unfair. Conversely, imagine feeling a sense of attraction and love towards someone you care about. The feeling of love for someone else easily bonds us to them and can tell our mind and body that they are a safe person. In both examples, the emotions themselves serve as signals for possible action (e.g., push back, propose) or can clarify what your priorities are at the moment (e.g., feeling infringed upon, feeling desired and close to someone). Our emotions can also reflect information about larger social realities - feeling anger, fear, and depression in response to minority stress, microaggressions, and overt racism also validates something real in the world around us.
Fact #2: Emotions do have a shelf life.
We sometimes believe that our emotions will stick around for a long, long time - making it more than likely that we try to avoid our feelings. However, that may not always be the case. (I will often ask clients to engage in the following exercise). Pay attention to the next time you have a strong emotional experience, such as watching a scary movie. In these moments, just notice when your physiological response of feeling fear kicks in and how the raw sensation feels. You’re likely to notice that the feeling of fear dissipates with time, and may even dissipate faster than expected. If you’re not able to watch something scary, just think about an emotionally charged event that occurred a year ago. Is it still sitting with you with the identical intensity as when the event happened? Probably not.
Fact #3: What we believe about how to manage our emotions is culturally influenced.
Various maxims around expressing oneself or “keeping a stiff upper lip” can be influenced by generational factors (e.g., Boomers versus Gen Z’ers) or gendered scripts (e.g., “Men don’t share their feelings”). The emotional experience of a young woman may look very different compared to an older male adult, as well as the specific social expectations of how they manage their feelings.
Fact #4: Trying to eliminate an emotional state will often backfire.
Distraction and minimization are common ways we attempt to “fix” our internal emotional state. While this can seem relieving momentarily, it often is unsustainable. Eventually, those feelings will arise because emotions are meant to be processed. For many people, not wanting to feel anxiety can often drive anxiety up or trying to avoid feeling anger can often make situations more irritating.
Simply put, attempting to “do away” with emotional experiences creates a paradoxical effect, because we have to stay aware of the emotional state we are trying to avoid.
Fact #5: When we are consumed by an emotion, we often struggle to see anything outside of it
When anxiety, fear, or any challenging emotion takes over, it can be hard to experience the world (our ourselves) without it. In fact, we can often reinforce this entanglement by becoming fearful of having the emotion (#3) or believe once it’s with us, it’ll be there forever (#2). In addition, we can often create a narrative around our emotional state which can exacerbate our distress. If this sounds abstract, consider the difference between these two narratives: “I’m an anxious person” versus “I’m a person who feels anxiety”. In the first example, the person is defined by their experience of anxiety while the second example couches anxiety as one feeling (of many) that can be felt by the person.
Try this mindfulness of emotions exercise:
How can we relate to our emotions or respond when we’re having a strong emotional experience? As an exercise, take a moment and try the following:
Reflect on a memory that conjures up the feeling of irritation or anger (on a scale from 0 - 10, find a memory that evokes something lower than a 4). Sit with that memory and the accompanying feeling of anger and practice curiosity. What does it feel like to be angry? How does it feel in your body? Sit with the feeling as long as you’re comfortable.
Reflect on a memory that conjures up the feeling of sadness (on a scale from 0 - 1-, find a memory that evokes something lower than a 4). Sit with that memory and the accompanying feeling of sadness. What does it feel like to be sad? How does it feel in your body? When you can identify the feeling of sadness, switch to one last feeling.
Finally, reflect on a memory that conjures up the feeling of happiness. Follow the same instructions from above (although feel free to play with the “intensity” of the happiness). What does it feel like to be happy? How does it feel in your body?
Based on your experience in doing the above exercise, consider your role. Are you the feeling of anger? Or sadness? Or happiness? Is it possible you are none of these feelings and are in fact greater and separate from them? The image of a river can be applicable here; a river contains wildlife, leaves, sticks, dirt, and other natural debris. Is the river defined by any single item? Or is the river merely a container for all of these items? In the same way you can hold lots of different emotions and thoughts and not yet be defined by any single one of them. A river is not defined by what it holds, but is something greater than it.
If you are having difficulty managing your emotions, you’re not alone. Consider working with a therapist to help you understand and respond to your feelings in ways that help you benefit from their presence in your life.
About the Author: Dr. Miklos Hargitay has been practicing mindfulness for over 5 years and enjoys using guided imagery exercises to explore the relationship between ourselves and our private experiences. He also enjoys the sound of a roaring river.