Being a Support: How to Best Handle Disclosures about Sexual Assault
by Miklos Hargitay, PsyD
When a loved one discloses sexual assault
Many of us have had the experience of being told personal and very difficult information by a friend. When it comes to disclosures related to sexual assault or rape, it can be extremely difficult to process in the moment.
As a therapist, I am usually not one of the first people someone discloses to if they have been assaulted. Statistically, friends or family are most likely to be the first ones to learn about a loved one’s assault. This is likely to be the case for a couple reasons; first, friends and family are closer to the person disclosing than the therapist and sharing with a stranger can be embarrassing or an unwelcome option. Second, and perhaps more importantly, sometimes the person just wants to “get it off their chest” and feel supported for what happened.
5 Tips for supporting a sexual assault survivor
As friends, family, and significant others of a survivor of sexual violence, there are a few things that you can do to help the disclosure process. Research has shown that if the disclosure process is positive and a survivor feels heard, then s/he is more likely to get additional help and report less symptoms of distress.
So, how can you help?
Avoid being judgmental. This is crucial. Many survivors often report that feelings of judgment or the perception that they were being judged for their actions when disclosing had a strong negative impact on the chances of them disclosing again. For some people, this may mean saying things like “it isn’t your fault”, “you didn’t do anything wrong”, or something that feels more personal. For many survivors, safe disclosures help them feel empowered to get additional help and not feel self-blame, shame, or guilt for what happened
Consider “What’s the best decision for my friend or loved one?” It can be tempting to want to make decisions for survivors, such as assuming they want to make a police report or confronting the perpetrator - but those decisions should ultimately be made by the survivor. Restoring opportunities for personal agency assists a survivor's recovery instead of jumping in to make decisions on a survivor’s behalf, even with the best intentions in mind.
Avoid diagnosing symptoms. As a psychologist, I’m always interested in helping people understand if a psychiatric diagnosis fits based on what they are experiencing. It is important to know that the purpose of a diagnosis is to accurately describe a group of symptoms to aid appropriate treatment. Diagnoses have nothing to do with individual character or personal worth. However, if someone doesn’t know how to put words to the effects of what happened to them or doesn’t know about diagnoses, it can actually be counterproductive to prematurely assign clinical language to their experience. Survivors may need time to think about what happened or its impact before determining whether that means they may have something like PTSD, depression, or anxiety.
Avoid labeling of experience. Words like “sexual assault”, “sexual abuse”, or “rape” are loaded terms and carry a lot of emotional content. A survivor of a nonconsensual sexual experience may have experienced something that fits the above definitions, but telling him/her too early that’s why they went through can make it difficult for survivors to make sense of what happened to them. As a psychologist, one of my primary roles is to help my patient put words to their most significant life experiences and help them become empowered narrators of their own story.
Silence is okay too. There’s nothing wrong with being silent if you don’t know what to say. As long as they feel heard and can talk about what happened to them in a safe space - that’s what matters.
About the Therapist: Dr. Miklos Hargitay is a staff psychologist at MTC. He has listened to many disclosures over the years and has helped family and friends of survivors think about how to be the best supports they can be.