Not Feeling Good Enough? You May Be A Perfectionist
By Peggy Loo, PhD
Not feeling good enough - even during a pandemic
For many in NYC, COVID-19 has dramatically changed daily life. In the midst of a dizzying number of adjustments, sacrifices, stressed relationships, derailed plans, and devastating losses - it’s understandable that many describe a misplaced sense of who they are. Yet I’ve also heard rumblings of something more than this expected disorientation - many are beginning to articulate the experience of their sense of self being under assault. From students grappling with a disrupted spring semester to those stressed by an unwelcome layoff to overextended physicians on the front line, one sentence I have heard across the board in the last two months is:
“I am not doing enough” or “I feel useless or unproductive”.
This isn’t surprising. NYC is known for being a city of hustlers, achievers, and do-gooders. After all, living and working in one of the most bustling, competitive, and expensive cities in the country is no easy feat. Continuing to go to work (or working from home), staying indoors, and attending to families or basic needs does not feel like “enough” for many - even though it is, in fact, an admirable, daily exercise in:
sound judgment,
ongoing responsibility in our places of work or influence,
care for others,
problem solving in adversity, and
individual sacrifice for the collective good.
Moreover, we continue to practice the aforementioned with no clear end date. If we can attest that the above actions are good and worthwhile, why do some of us struggle with not feeling like “enough”?
Are you a perfectionist? Understanding what perfectionism is
The answer may be that you have an unhelpfully perfectionistic mindset. Perfectionism can manifest itself as crossed t’s and dotted i’s, the flawless execution of a task, or an inner drive to always do more - all of which can reflect healthy ambition or appreciation for a job very well done. However, perfectionism becomes unhealthy when it goes beyond conscientiousness or feeling proud of a good outcome; dysfunctional perfectionism occurs when there is an enduring and conditional relationship between self worth and perceived achievement. In other words, your sense of self worth is inordinately dependent upon the personal appraisal of your accomplishments. Instead of possessing a sense of value that remains relatively intact across circumstances and can weather shortcomings as a part of life and growth, you experience a rollercoaster. In essence, you are only as praiseworthy as what you achieve and worthless (or self-critical) commensurate to real (or perceived) failure.
We prefer to be human do-ings, not human be-ings
The definition of “doing” work, routine, and relationships has been vastly reinvented, which means that our experiences of achieving are most likely altered. Even the ways that we might be coping can become a form of “doing” and self-evaluation. If our primary source of self-worth lies in our sense of achievement, or if we maintain the same high expectations for ourselves despite a practical need for alternatives or choosing what works for us - we are more prone to feel small and lose our sense of personal value during the coronavirus. Doing less is more likely to lead to self-criticism, anxiety or depression. Even doing more, such as working overtime or treating coronavirus as a health care worker may not feel like enough if your best is short of perfect or your actions cannot outweigh the limits of hospital systems and known medical practice.
So what can we do to get off the rollercoaster?
3 Ways to manage perfectionism
Here are three suggestions to challenge unhealthy perfectionism:
1. Expand your sources of self-worth beyond achieving or “doing”.
Think about and identify other areas of your life that matter to you in addition to achievement. Again, remember that being ambitious and feeling good about your accomplishments in and of itself is not the problem - the issue occurs when achievement is the only lens through which we can see ourselves as valuable. For example, instead of counting how many boxes you may have checked off each day as you stay at home as your sole metric of success, consider shifting your focus. Recognize the ways that you may be acting responsibly, helping or supporting others, managing challenges through problem solving, sustaining relationships, voicing care or concern, cultivating curiosity or learning, growing in patience or endurance, tolerating uncertainty, receiving rest, or noticing beauty, to name a few. Broaden how you evaluate yourself and choose to pay attention to what else contributes to a positive sense of self.
2. Define “doing” more realistically.
Instead of keeping unrealistic or rigid expectations in a time where adaptability and responsiveness to change is an incredible asset, redefine what constitutes success. Take the time to acknowledge personal effort, progress, small actions, and even inaction as both purposeful and valuable. While this recommendation is helpful in every season, it is particularly important when old definitions no longer apply during COVID-19. One of the greatest lies of unhealthy perfectionism is that “trying” is not enough, when in reality, it is the only thing that has ever worked! Creating a literal list challenges the imbalanced tendency to devalue effort in favor of mastery, emphasizes realistic (and therefore more self-compassionate) thinking, and increases the accuracy of your observational skills. Not convinced that “trying” is enough? Reflect on how small precautionary measures have saved countless lives in NYC.
3. Reappraise shortcomings as non-lethal.
Resiliency research tells us that resiliency is not the absence of disruption or difficulty (Bonanno, 2004). It is about the whole of your response to adversity - which expectedly, comes with ups and downs. Normalizing mistakes, shortcomings, and even failures is a vital skill to our well being and sense of self. Instead of viewing unmet standards as the worst possible outcome meriting self-criticism, integrate these experiences (even if difficult or disappointing) within a larger process of growth and learning. Get curious about what happened and use it as an opportunity to examine your original expectation, your definition of failure, or the feelings you are having. Instead of assuming that a strong experience of guilt, inadequacy, or self-chastisement is warranted, evaluate whether those emotions are accurate or even appropriate for your situation, or if they reflect vestiges of unhealthy perfectionistic thinking. Simply shedding light (or throwing a wrench) into unchecked assumptions about “failures” or unmet expectations is a first step to greater self-awareness. It is important to remember that even recognizing a job was poorly done does not mean you have no value - you can feel what comes up about a specific shortcoming without generalizing one situation as the complete picture of your worth. Disappointment, while hard to feel, is not lethal, permanent, or defining.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, or CBT, centers on the premise that our thoughts deeply matter. It isn’t that our emotions or actions are of lesser value or importance; rather that what we think, how we think, and ultimately what we believe - has an extraordinary amount of power to color and shape everything else. During COVID-19, this is accentuated more than ever - how are we thinking about our lives and ourselves in the midst of one of the greatest challenges our city has faced? If you’d like help exploring and answering these questions, or recognize ways that unhealthy perfectionism is getting in your way - I encourage you to reach out!
About the Therapist Dr. Peggy Loo is a licensed psychologist in NYC and the director of Manhattan Therapy Collective. She currently works from home and rides her ups and downs with her dog, Hamilton. She identifies as a perfectionist in recovery and takes it one day at a time.
Citation: Bonanno, G. A. (2004). Loss, trauma, and human resilience: Have we underestimated the human capacity to thrive after extremely aversive events?. American Psychologist, 59(1), 20.