How to Talk to and Help a Loved One Struggling with their Mental Health

By Eleanor McGlinchey, PhD

This topic has been on my mind recently as I’ve had friends (and friends of friends) reach out for my professional opinion on how they should help a loved one going through a mental health crisis. I have also worked with a few people over the years who were originally prompted by a family member or close friend to seek mental health treatment. I am always honored when someone welcomes me into walking with them in their current mental health journey. When I come into it already knowing that they have a supportive friend or family member, it makes my job all the more hope-filled.

3 ways to help a family or friend struggling with their mental health

The part that is often difficult for a friend or family member, is to know how best to help their loved ones. Thankfully, you do not have to have a graduate degree in psychology to be a supportive presence in someone’s life while they work on their mental health. I have encountered a few different scenarios that might be helpful for those searching for the next best step. Here are three common concerns from family or friends.

My friend or family member appears to be struggling with their mental health and I don’t know how to get them help.

Sometimes as friends and family, we see the mental health challenges emerging before our loved one recognizes what is happening. This can be so hard as a bystander, especially when you feel you don’t have the words to communicate your concern. Stick to that concern though. You do not have to pretend you are a mental health professional in order to express concern. It can sometimes be as simple as saying something like “I’m worried about you and I want to help you to feel better.”

A quick side note that there are so many unspoken expectations we inadvertently put on other people. The western, US-based culture often claims each person should be able to independently live a mentally healthy life by pulling oneself up from our bootstraps when challenges arise. Even if you and your friend do not actively believe this, it can still seep in, making it difficult to approach struggles with mental health in an honest and open way.

There are also so many other systemic and cultural barriers to seeking mental health treatment. It might be helpful to acknowledge some of these barriers as you start the conversation with your friend. Perhaps you can start by saying something along the lines of, “I don’t believe that we always need to feel fine, but I also don’t think that anyone should have to suffer alone with their mental health challenges.”

It should also be noted that, if your friend indicates any reason to believe that they are at risk of harming themselves or others, then you might need to make the difficult decision to take them to an emergency room. It can be such a tough decision, especially if you aren’t sure whether they have said something that crosses the line of potential harm. You can ask them if they are willing to come with you to get an evaluation for emergency mental health services. As best you can, stay calm and gentle as you make clear that you care for them and want them to feel better. 

Having close loved ones is a hugely beneficial protective factor when it comes to recovery from mental health challenges. Your presence alone will already set your friend up for a hope-filled journey. You don’t have to do things perfectly, but saying the awkward thing, expressed with care and concern can go a long way in helping someone get to the professional support they need.

My friend or family member told me they are struggling with their mental health and I don’t want to say something wrong.

If you are worried about this, it already shows that you care about this person and want to avoid adding to their current suffering. For this reason, it might be your best path forward to simply ask them what they need.

For example, do they want your company to watch reruns of a favorite show or have you make them your world-famous pancakes? Or would they like to talk about what they are experiencing? Sometimes you don’t have to say anything and can just be there with them. 

One the same note, there are some things that you should likely avoid saying. As best you can, try to avoid giving reasons or explanations for what they are going through. Even if you have some strong hypotheses, trying to explain to someone why they might be struggling can often feel like you are minimizing their experience. Instead, if someone is sharing with you, you can remind them that you care about them and can ask them how you can support. You can also remind them that talking with a therapist can help.

My friend/family member asked me to help them find mental health support and I don’t know where to begin.

It can sometimes depend on what your friend or family member is going through, but you don’t have to have that completely figured out before helping them find support. It might be as simple as asking them about their insurance coverage and then offering to do a google search for community mental health clinics in your area.

When you’re struggling, things that may otherwise feel manageable can seem daunting - so practical support like narrowing down the search does make a difference. Many psychologists and psychiatrists will have an intake process. This might involve filling out an online form and then following up with either a brief phone intake or an office visit. If you fill out the online form or make the initial phone call on behalf of your loved one, you can typically indicate that you are a friend or family member. The provider will need to then talk to your friend directly, but getting over that initial hurdle can help a lot.

Psychologytoday.com is popular mental health professional online directory. If you know some more specifics about what type of support your friend needs, then you can do more targeted searches for specialties like, “anxiety”, “perfectionism”, “parenting stress”. You can also search by therapist identities, fees, therapy type, location and whether someone offers telehealth or in-person sessions.

It should be noted that many mental health clinics and providers have long waitlists. If your friend indicates it is more urgent, then they can sometimes start by meeting with their primary care provider or even going to a hospital emergency room where they might be able to get started with taking some medication or even bypassing some of the initial waitlist.

If your loved one has mixed feelings about therapy or gets cold feet during the search, that’s completely okay. It doesn’t mean that there aren’t relevant resources out there you can still help them find. Peer-led support groups or therapy groups can feel less vulnerable for some, and it can be validating to be around others with shared life experiences. Mental health apps, podcasts, even trauma-informed yoga classes can be initial steps that create support for your friend or family member’s wellbeing.

How to get started with therapy at Manhattan Therapy Collective

If you’d like to help a family member or friend connect to one of our therapists at Manhattan Therapy Collective, you can either fill out our New Patient Inquiry form, call 212-271-0216 and leave a message, or email hello@manhattantherapycollective.com. Our team of doctoral-level therapists specialize in many areas and therapy approaches and would be happy to answer questions.

About the Author: Dr. McGlinchey is a therapist at MTC and is always honored when friends ask for her professional advice regarding mental health. She is grateful to witness when others approach therapy and mental health treatment for the first time.