Coping with Holiday Loneliness & Disappointment: Tips from Our Therapists
By Drs Chen, Ekhelikar, Loo, McGlinchey & Meli
Feeling lonely or disappointed during the holidays is common
Experiencing loneliness or disappointment around the holidays or the end of the year is incredibly common. If you are someone with holiday plans and EOY traditions each year, the truth is - reality typically doesn’t live up to all your expectations or the perfect version you had in mind. If you are someone without holiday plans or EOY traditions - this time of year can feel dark or challenging.
Either way, we want to normalize what cultural hype and social media feeds often fails to - that feeling disconnected or let down this time of year is okay (even if it doesn’t feel great). And that most people do or will at some point!
When you pause and think about it, the holidays and end of year are often made up of the exact same things that bring most people to therapy in the first place: stress, relationship or family dynamics, projected expectations from others and/or yourself, painful memories, self-reflection, social comparison, etc. Now this doesn’t mean that this time of year will be or has to be difficult for you - but it would completely make sense if it is. We wanted to give you another good reason to feel validated or exercise self-kindness if you’re struggling. In other words, the holiday season is complicated for everyone.
Tips for coping with holiday loneliness or disappointment
We asked our team of therapists, what practical tips or words of encouragement do you have for anyone who's experiencing loneliness or disappointment around the holidays or the end of the year?
Tip #1: Create your own traditions during the holidays.
Dr. Ekhelikar: For anyone who may be struggling this month, you are not alone! A tip for dealing with difficult emotions such as loneliness is to create your own traditions during the holiday season that are separate from those that you may see or hear of around you! Perhaps it is making your favorite meal, watching your favorite holiday (or non-holiday) related movie, moving your body in a way that feels good to you, or getting an extra hour or two of sleep - find your own ways to cultivate and create joy for yourself, you deserve that!
Tip #2: Let yourself acknowledge the bad and the good.
Dr. McGlinchey: There is no reason to pretend all is Merry and Bright if it isn’t. I was recently introduced to the original version of “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas,” sung by Judy Garland in “Meet Me in St. Louis.” The original version, which Garland vetoed as too depressing, was indeed dark but in many ways more realistic.
Instead of today’s version:
Have yourself a merry little Christmas/Let your heart be light/From now on our troubles will be out of sight/Have yourself a merry little Christmas/Make the Yule-tide gay/From now on our troubles will be miles away.
The original version had:
Have yourself a merry little Christmas/It may be your last/Next year we may all be living in the past/Have yourself a merry little Christmas/Pop that champagne cork/Next year we may all be living in New York.
(as if that’s the worst thing that could happen!) I think it shows the efforts we all make to put a bright smile on the darkest days of the year but maybe we can acknowledge both the darkness and focus our attention on the things we are grateful for from the year. I can safely say I am very grateful to be living in New York despite it’s downsides. I hope to take some time to reflect on the good, though hard, things that have happened this year and acknowledge that I am still here, living in New York.
Tip #3 Try seeing your feelings as a temporary wave, instead of a permanent reality.
Dr. Chen: My best advice is to give yourself space for whatever feelings you have. Start by just labeling your emotions: "I feel lonely." "I feel disappointed by what I don't have right now." As you name your experience, allow yourself to accept it, as it is. Know that your emotions are valid, and try to observe them without any additional judgments. Imagine your feelings coming and going like a wave.
With intense emotions like loneliness, people sometimes worry that if they allow themselves to feel, they will become consumed and overwhelmed. Remember that emotions are temporary experiences. Riding the wave of emotions teaches us that we can allow ourselves to feel our emotion and let it go when it's ready, rather than trying to control it or push it away. When we fight against waves, we are more likely to sink. Instead, we can learn to ride with them.
Like waves in the broader ocean, we can also recognize that your feelings are just a part of your current experience. If you know that you tend to sink deeper and deeper into your feelings rather than allowing them to come and go naturally, it helps to open yourself to other experiences beyond what you’re feeling right now. If you're feeling isolated, try to engage in small moments of connection––a simple smile, holding the door for someone, or offering a compliment can make a difference. These 'micro-connections' release oxytocin, the brain’s ‘love hormone,’ and can increase our sense of belonging and emotional resilience. When we ride the wave of our loneliness, we acknowledge the pain we're holding, but we do not have to succumb to it forever. Engaging in micro-connections is one way to help the wave subside.
When all else fails, remember that this moment is just that—one moment in time. All waves pass, even the biggest and darkest ones. And, you are not alone in how you feel.
Tip #4: Cope ahead by seeing the bigger picture.
Dr. Meli: It’s common to experience sadness, loneliness, or disappointment around the holidays, even though it may not feel very festive. The winter holidays can bring with them complicated emotional significance and unnecessarily high self-expectations. Whether you are participating in or recreating family traditions, planning or attending social gatherings, creating special memories for kids and communities, or taking full advantage of time-off to rest and recharge – the holidays tend to be a time filled with anticipation.
As we anticipate the season, our emotions intensify and build. For many, there will be a natural “come down” as the season arrives and passes and as our expectations turn into realities toward the end of the year. Consider the old adage, “what goes up, must come down” – it is especially true when it comes to end-of-year emotions! One simple way to take care of your emotional health during the holidays and reduce the intensity of this up-down cycle is to be aware of the pattern, know that it is common, and label what you’re feeling.
Tip#4: Try focusing on nourishment.
Dr. Loo: If you’re feeling lonely or down this time of year - it’s natural to want to withdraw or fake it. But we know that more isolation doesn’t feel great, and pretending is exhausting. I’ve found that what’s helped me before isn’t trying to bootstrap my way through complicated holidays, when most of my own social group, routines, and resources aren’t as easily accessible. If I’m feeling disconnected or disappointed, I tend to look for easier wins that don’t require a lot of energy but can nourish me because they’re enjoyable or personal. This doesn’t mean I can’t take space to acknowledge whatever I’m feeling, or that I need to “get over it” quickly. I like the term nourishment because it isn’t meant to contradict what you’re feeling, but to nurture and sustain in the midst of it. If you’re struggling, focusing on doing something nourishing can help, and make tough feelings more manageable.
This can be physical or emotional nourishment, and kept basic - a favorite food, prioritizing naps, or giving yourself full permission to rot in bed. It can also be a cozy night in with a show you’ve wanted to binge, a guided creative activity (because some of us appreciate instructions), or an audiobook or podcast. Relying on something external and low bandwidth, but can bring simple pleasure may help fill you in a small way. If you receive energy being around other people or new experiences but don’t want to plan (or everyone’s out of town), try one-off activities that are designed with plenty of structure so all that’s left is you showing up for a few hours. Ticketed events, guided tours, or even an online watch party provide some opportunities for connection over shared interests or a new adventure with little commitment or consequence. Even if you’re just not feeling it, it’s a new memory or story to tell.
Consider therapy if you’re interested
If you’re interested and open to it, therapy can be a great space to process whatever feelings come up for you around the holidays or end of year. As therapists, we do believe that sharing, understanding, and even learning to respond to your feelings in new ways can be a powerful experience.
We encourage you to reach out to learn more about how therapy can help you through or after the holiday season. Our therapists can help create personalized and practical strategies for self-care or help you deepen self-understanding about whatever you may be experiencing. Book a free introductory call or initial consultation with us!
About the Authors: Drs Chen, Ekhelikar, Loo, McGlinchey & Meli are therapists at Manhattan Therapy Collective. Every year they support their own patients through the ups and downs of the holidays/EOY. The team’s end of year tradition is voting on the organization that becomes the recipient of their annual giving initiative.